Because I'm a Chicana? A Woman of Color? From a low SES?

"Ya te graduaste, ya ponte a trabajar!!" ("You graduated already, now go get a job!")

"Veínte mil dólares, no mas para viajar??" ("Twenty thousand dollars, just to travel??")

Esto es lo que me dijo mi papá al enterarse de la beca que había aplicado en febrero. Estabámos en el estacionamiento de Knott's Berry Farm y estaba de visita con mi familía por una semana después del trimestre de invierno. Como que no se sentía muy agusto ni con la idea de que pudiera ganar una beca como esta. No pienso que hay una razón en particular, pero quiero pensar que lo entiendo, y sí, yo también tengo mis opiniones sobre esta beca.

Overall, my family is excited and very proud that I received this fellowship, but I know they are also of course anxious and a little nervous for me. Most of my female cousins, neighbors and friends don't move out of their parent's house (unless it's for school) until we get married-- and this is especially the case in my parent's hometown in Mexico. Even if we have babies out of wedlock, we'll bring home the baby and sometimes the father to live back with our parents. I never moved out for college; it was only a 14 mile commute each way to Cal State Fullerton and in southern California, that was just enough time for an edition of Uprising Now! on KPFK.

Graduate school, now that was a different story. I decided to attend the University of Washington and that was pretty much the reason why I moved out of the house; otherwise, I'd still be living at home. Thinking about it from my family's perspective, I was living at home just two years ago- eating dinner at the table (sometimes) and going to mandatory Sunday mass. And now, their oldest daughter just got awarded some crazy amount of money to solely travel and "wander and wonder" completely alone. Wow, God Bless America, my dad would say...

...and I have been having my own inner conflict with this fellowship, even as I applied to it back in February; but I knew that I would have regretted not applying (and not knowing if I'll ever return to the UW as a student), so I applied.

Before I go off on a rant I must say that yes, I feel blessed and humbled to have received such an award; I still process what this is every day. If there was ever a time in my life thus far to embark on such a journey it would be now; I have no hesitation about this in my mind. But I still can't help but to feel some remorse. Who is this fellowship accessible to? UW undergraduates in the Honors Program and UW Graduate and Professional students. What are the demographics of the UW Honors Program? Does the American Ethnic Studies department have an Honors Program? I was talking with another Bonderman Fellow who just returned from her journey. She is also a Woman of Color and it was so validating to talk with her about the fellowship and how we felt about being awarded so much money to travel and not be expected to give or do anything in return. No real reciprocity, only that we participate in a panel when we return (if we return to Seattle), and a thank you letter to David Bonderman, the donor. What values do we continue to infuse here? Maybe the application and interview process helps the selection committee think about those that will be critical about receiving this award.

I go back and forth between these two thoughts on this award-

1. After researching the experiences of Latina/o undocumented students in college and writing up a thesis on implications and practices for the future, I will now travel for eight months just to hang out- no research, no work. What an individualistic thing to do! Don't you have any social responsibility, Rocio?!

2. Rocio, how many people and especially People of Color get this kind of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Girl, you better put on that Maiden Voyage backpack and get on that plane September 14th! You go for so many others who may never get a chance like this...

...yeah, number 2 seems to outweigh number 1. In the grand scheme of things, 8 months is not a long time. I'll be back before I know it.

Maybe this is what it is for me. I feel I am already getting so much out of this experience even before taking off. It's all about the mental preparation for me and perhaps this is my own process and learning experience from the award--- to feel deserving. To live it. Maybe I can also return and make some high-risk financial investments, make billions of dollars and set up a travel fellowship back at Fullerton. For now, I know that I don't go alone on this trip. My communities of family and friends are also going with me.